I’ve been making myself uncomfortable lately. Putting myself in places and positions where I’m forced to come to terms with a fear (irrational or not), tackle it and hope to emerge graciously out on the other side.
I recently started a new job. VP Strategy. A title I’ve had in my sights for a while. A role that 22-year-old me didn’t even dare dream about, she was just so happy and grateful to be working at a dynamic, fun place where she got paid to be creative. Grateful. That’s the underlying feeling I’ve held on to throughout my time in the advertising industry.
In Dubai, I worked at 3 different agencies, each one with a completely different culture. I loved most of it, but when it was bad, it was really bad. Racism was simultaneously subtle and overt, and I both benefited from it and suffered because of it. At one place, I earned more than my boss because I had a Canadian passport, while at another, I was looked down upon because I wasn’t white or Lebanese. When I left the third place in December 2016, two weeks before getting married and moving to the US, my employer looked at me with pity and said, “I can’t believe you’re leaving this job for a man.” I told myself to just suck it up and be grateful.
Grateful that I had a good job.
Grateful that I could break into the industry at all.
Grateful that I was constantly learning and evolving.
Grateful that I could spend my days working with cool brands and generally good people.
Moving to the US brought another culture shock. I went from dealing with misogyny and passive aggressive prejudice to being welcomed with Southern gusto by people who genuinely wanted to know me and were excited by what my experience could do for them. So much so, I was the first employee they sponsored for a work visa. I spent 6 years of my career with them, while going through rapid life evolution myself: settling into married life, adapting to Memphis, going to grad school for an MFA, experiencing the pandemic, having a baby, balancing motherhood and every other part of my self. All while growing professionally.
It was during this time I started correcting people’s mispronunciation of my name, became hyper-aware of generally being the only person of color on executive-level meetings, and understanding at last that having an agency career didn’t conflict with my greater purpose as an artist, that in fact, I could use my presence and influence here to achieve the same effect I wanted my writing to carry: be unafraid to show where things are broken, where they are unequal.
There were hard times too: the recurring visa renewals and the ever-present threat of rejection (especially in Trump times), an often unmanageable workload that I stupidly saw as a badge of honor to shoulder, a rotating door of bosses, and the growing realization that I deserved more than what I was getting.
Through it all, gratitude kept hitting me over the head:
Be grateful they sponsor you.
Be grateful they promoted you.
Be grateful they trust you with the big challenges.
Be grateful you have flexibility to work from home and pick and drop your kid.
Be grateful for the community you’ve found here.
Be grateful for the visibility.
Be grateful for the respect.
For a long time, being grateful served me. It kept me happy and contained, and every time I dared to ask for more, it brought me back to what I had. Until I realized I was using this feeling to limit myself. To keep myself small and stupid and acceptable within the parameters other people and their structures defined for my capabilities.
So I left my comfort zone of the last 6 years and sought out a shiny new role at a shiny new place. And it has been surprising me in the best possible ways.
I’m in conversations and meetings at levels I could not have fathomed, where my contributions are not just heard but acknowledged, debated and then actioned. I’m experiencing a culture where there’s no ‘behind the curtain’ motions to hold close, there are no curtains at all, just trust and a communal expectation that we are all professionals. I’m on projects that go beyond my wheelhouse of performance marketing, thinking about broader customer experience and brand building where all questions are good questions. I get to build and create teams and structures, and not just fix them.
And, yes, the gratitude is omnipresent. But this time, I’m working on keeping that feeling controlled, rather than letting it control me. Yes, I’m still grateful I get to experience and do all this, but I remind myself: This is just the start of what you’re capable of. You’re here because you’re smart and talented and really, really f*cking good at this. You deserve this and more. Ask the questions. Share your thoughts. They’re grateful for you.
This is hard and uncomfortable to do. It’s a shift in how I carried myself before. I was never okay with feeling small and stupid, or being made to feel that way, but I accepted it and tolerated it. Because I told myself to be grateful.
Now, I’m showing up like I deserve to be here. Some days, I’m faking it hard because the inner voice continues to chant, loudly: “You should be lucky you have this.” But the moments pass and the confidence becomes real and, day by day, I feel more rooted in the discomfort.
Everyday for the last 6 weeks, I’ve experienced something new. Every, single day. And while it’s scary, it’s also empowering. The benefits are seeping into my outside-of-work life.
Taking a leap of faith in my ad agency career is pushing me to become more brazen in my writing career. The fears I’m conquering at work are helping me discuss and address my past traumas in therapy. And through it all, I’m demonstrating the purpose I want my life, both in and outside of the art I create and the work I do, to have: be unafraid to show where things are broken, where they are unequal.